my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
