I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Randomize
