I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
