I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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