I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
