I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
