feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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