Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
