Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
