i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
