theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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