just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
