Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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