.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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