Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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