I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
