mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
