I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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