I was born with a shot glass in my hand
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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