lets start a swedish sibling band together
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
