That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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