What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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