Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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