you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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