I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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