sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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