I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
