i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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