If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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