Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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