The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
