Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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