I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
