i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I need water and some morals
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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