All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
