I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
