nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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