I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
