Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
