I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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