she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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