Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
