my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
