Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
