he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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