lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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