You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
