so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
