I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I smell like Dick and happiness
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