My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I want to fling myself into the sun
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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