i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
COCAINE IS GR8
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