are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...