yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
