I wish I could punch you in the face.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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