tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
