I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
