I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
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She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
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We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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