i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
i now understand why vodka
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
