I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
