I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
So squirting runs in the family.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
where are my eyebrows?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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