i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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