last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
